Man says parents are unhappy with his Bukit Merah BTO choice: ‘My mum cried and my father said he won’t visit’

SINGAPORE: A newly married Singaporean man is caught between keeping the peace with his parents and sticking with the BTO flat he and his spouse have chosen, after his parents made it clear they would rather the couple live closer to them.

The man shared his predicament on the r/askSingapore subreddit on Monday (Sep 21), explaining that he and his spouse had applied for a BTO flat in Bukit Merah, while his parents live near Farrer Park.

His parents would prefer the couple to look for a home in the surrounding area, but he said there are currently no BTO flats there that offer the layout they want alongside decent amenities.

“They want me to buy a BTO near the surrounding area, but currently there are no BTOs with the desired layout and no great amenities nearby,” he wrote.

“My parents asked me to look into Kallang, Boon Keng, and Mattar even though I got the queue number for the Bukit Merah. I do not like the uncertainty. They are saying you can buy anywhere else except Bukit Merah because he simply doesn’t like the area, and none of our relatives stay there.”

The man said he and his spouse were drawn to Bukit Merah because of its convenience and access to amenities.

“The amenities there are great, such as the Redhill MRT, which can either go to Jurong or Changi or the Outram Park interchange. There is a polyclinic, market, hawker centre and even a mosque nearby.”

With his flat-selection appointment approaching, the disagreement has become increasingly difficult for him to navigate.

His father has reportedly said that he would not come and visit them if they went ahead with the Bukit Merah flat, while his mother has cried and accused him of being stubborn.

“My mother is a very emotional person. She didn’t like the fact that I am applying for BTO right after marriage, and she is afraid that I will leave her.”

The man also noted that his father had not visited the actual Bukit Merah BTO site himself.

“It’s not like staying near them will benefit me in any way,” he added.

‘They still live in the 90s mindset’

Beyond the disagreement over location, the man said he was frustrated that his parents did not seem to understand how difficult it could be to secure a BTO flat in the first place.

“Every BTO cycle, house prices are increasing, and they don’t seem to understand. If you get a BTO now, you lock in the price,” he wrote.

“Also, my parents think you can get a BTO or house with a snap of your fingers. They do not understand that BTO is a lottery and not a guarantee to get like a resale flat.”

The man added that his parents still appear to have a mindset shaped by the property market of the 1990s and struggle to accept that he is now an adult who can make decisions for his own household.

Seeking advice, he asked other Singaporeans: “I would like to know how did those whose parents behaved the same way made the decision or how did you convince them? Because I don’t want the relationship to sour between us and them.”

“I have discussed this with my spouse, and she will go ahead with whatever decision I make and will stand by me. I also understand that moving forward, I have a spouse who is also dependent on me, and I’m responsible for her. Me and my spouse will be paying for this BTO.”

‘Ask them to buy one for you’

The post drew responses from users who largely felt that the couple should have the final say over where they live, given that they would be paying for and living in the flat.

One user said the man’s parents were entitled to their opinion, but ultimately the decision belonged to the couple.

“Your parents can give their opinion, but you are the ones paying for and living in the flat. If Bukit Merah suits your budget, commute and needs, I would not give up a good queue number just because they prefer another area.”

Another pointed out, “It is about setting boundaries. Your family, your house, your decision. If they will not come and visit, that is on them. Do what is best for yourself.”

A third chimed in, “This [is] the problem with our culture. Parents need to learn to let go of their adult children, especially once they are married. Let them build their own life and stop trying to control them. They are not yours to control anymore once they are married and have their own family unit.”

Some commenters, though, suggested that if his parents truly insisted, the original poster should simply ask them to top up the difference so he and his wife could buy a resale flat.

Another added, “If they are not happy, ask them to buy one for you. They can choose whichever one makes them happiest.”/TISG

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