‘Sometimes old people must also be trained,’ commenters tell man with overbearing mother-in-law

SINGAPORE: A young dad whose mother-in-law appears to want to take over a large part of his family’s life took to Reddit to ask whether his mother-in-law (MIL) is overbearing or if she is actually justified.

In a Jul 7 (Monday) post on r/askSingapore, u/GibunAnJoh-A wrote about his difficulties with his MIL’s actions and wrote that he wanted “to see another perspective of unrelated people” before deciding on what to do.

He and his wife, who are in their early 30s, became first-time parents to a little boy in March. Prior to their son’s birth, his relationship with his MIL was cordial but started going south afterwards.

He wrote that his MIL wants to carry the baby all the time and nags them to take her advice even when it runs counter to their parenting choices. She does not respect these choices but speaks against them. For example, when they told the grandparents they’d be preparing the baby for bedtime by 7 p.m., signalling that visits would end for the day by that time, the MIL interpreted it as limiting her time with the baby.

The situation is particularly hard for the post author’s wife, who is still struggling with postpartum depression.

The couple is more inclined to follow the post author’s mum, who has been a babysitter for 15 years. She will be the baby’s primary caregiver when the post author’s wife goes back to work.

The post author and his wife’s experience appears to be not uncommon, judging by the number of commenters on the post.

A Reddit user who had the same experience wrote about having drawn firm boundaries with her own mother.

“The child is yours and your responsibility, so child-minding should not be subject to anyone else’s beliefs. You know very well what is best, and please believe in that. Nobody, even your parents, should sway that. If in doubt, always check in with the doctor instead,” she wrote.

Another commenter who agreed wrote, “You really have to sit down and talk with your wife. As parents, what are your non-negotiables, and what to do if mom or MIL disregards the way you want to care for and educate your child? Set boundaries and be firm. Let parents or in-laws know right from the start that there are boundaries to be respected, and you will have an easier time later on.”

“This type of toxic parent can discard. Don’t want to see/hear about her grandchild, right? Then your wife can just send updates to her dad in the future and just leave her mum entirely out of any updates or invitations to meet/play with/care for the baby.

“Don’t need to play nice cuz your MIL will only be further encouraged in her toxic behaviour… Sometimes, old people must also be trained and disciplined in what is acceptable behaviour. New parents have (so much) to deal with and no time for other people’s stupid drama. Luckily, you all still have your mum, who’s a normal human being, to help care for the baby,” another observed. /TISG

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